1. Had to work a month at my least favorite hospital, with a bad attending, and a bad intern.
2. Was on call on my birthday.
3. As a birthday present, found out we were out of embryos.
4. Our fourth IVF cycle failed. We did a two-embryo FET using an 8-cell and a 5-cell transfer. I got the call today during a lecture on STEMIs (ie heart attacks).
At this point we have tried two different surrogates and two different ovum donors. I don't know what our next step will be. I wonder if it makes sense to continue. Maybe I should just hope Husband will reconsider adoption? My family keeps pushing us to continue IVF but my mentor/internist suggests cutting our losses and I think perhaps she's right. But I don't want to make any decisions while I'm still emotional.
And emotional I am. I feel angry and hurt and sad and hopeless and jealous. I don't think I'll ever become a mother. I don't believe anymore. I want to be a mother more than anything in the entire world and I would give anything to make that happen. But I wonder if I must accept the unacceptable.
I will eventually regroup. For now, though, let the pity party continue: samosas and palak paneer for dinner, washed down with mango lassi. A book-buying binge. And a donation to charity.
Happy Thanksgiving...sort of.