How can I learn patience? If I were a patient person this would be easier to bear. But I am not patient. I have no clue how to become patient. I can delay gratification, yes, but that's much easier to do when you know that after four years of medical school you will be a doctor, and after three years of residency you will be a chief resident or an attending. Not that life is guaranteed, but assuming nothing goes drastically wrong, there is a set endpoint, and you work toward it, and then you get there. With this baby-making there is no set endpoint and no guarantee of success. In fact, if I calculated properly each cycle has a higher rate of failure than of a live baby/babies. And you go on until you can't anymore. And you have no control over the results. The only thing you can do is stop trying.
I'm not stopping yet. It's not that I believe I will ever be a mother -- I have no hope anymore -- but I don't think I can be more upset than I already am, so I might as well keep trying because it seems pathetic to give up after only three years.
Why am I here, anyway, when from an evolutionary standpoint I have no reason to exist? I suppose I have a a purpose but I just don't know it.
A year ago tomorrow I was in Chicago looking at an ultrasound of two tiny embryos and listening to their synchronized heartbeats. It was the last time they were both alive.