Sadness, Anger, and Bitterness are poor company but can't be shaken

I want to do nothing, because nothing matters except the little one I am so close to losing.  It's after eleven and I am still in pajamas.  The bed isn't made.  The dishes aren't done.  I haven't watered my orchid.  I don't care.  What's the point of getting dressed and doing all those thing?  Will it get me a baby?  I feel like wallowing in self-pity.

This is what I started writing last night.

Wished-for Child

I have a wished-for child of pen and ink.
In writing I create what I cannot in real life.
And so I have my my darling doll, figments of imagination lighter than air but solid on paper:
Her laugh
Her squeals when we play peek-a-boo
Her big brown eyes that beam when I lift her from the crib.
But the paper never hugs me back.



Wondering

Is this a punishment?
Do I not deserve children?
Am I unworthy?
(When) will my turn come?



I try telling myself we can try again.  But I wish it didn't mean so many months of a setback.  We'll need to find two more surrogates, meet them, arrange contracts...and of course we are limited because they have to come from Illinois so that everything is legal.

If that doesn't work -- I honestly don't know what to do if I can't convince Husband to adopt.  Life without children seems sad and bitter and pointless and endless torture watching everyone else bring little ones into the world.  If not a mother, what am I?  What fills that great black void?  The bottle of oversize potassium chloride tablets left over from when I became hypokalemic?  NO WAY.  I couldn't do that to the people who love me, and suicide is wrong.  Fortunately I'm not impulsive enough to do something horribly stupid.

I want so badly not to be angry and just to accept this all with grace.  But I am burning up with anger, boiling over, want to break things and pound walls and kick and scream like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum.  I don't know what to do with these feelings.  My best friend suggested going to Teavana and buying some really fancy teas and then curling up with Harrisons.  But the only thing that would really make this better is a baby.  And I begin to think that's an impossibility.  At least here's a comforting quote from David Ben-Gurion:  "Nothing is impossible.  The impossible just takes longer."  But how long, God?  And then there's good old Theodore Herzl loosely translated.  "If you want it, it isn't a legend."  If those quotes could build a state from nothing, can they get me a baby?  Because the quote that's foremost in my head right now is "Give me children or else I die."